When Behavior Concerns Become Family Conversations

In early childhood settings, behavior is communication. When a child bites, withdraws, throws materials, refuses to transition, or melts down during circle time, that behavior is not random. It is information. It tells us something about development, regulation, environment, relationships, or unmet needs.

The challenge is not only how educators respond in the classroom. It is also how those concerns are shared with families.

When conversations about behavior are handled poorly, they can fracture trust. Families may feel blamed, shamed, or judged. Educators may feel unsupported or defensive. And the child, who, after all, is at the center of the conversation; loses the opportunity for aligned, responsive care.

But when behavior concerns become collaborative family conversations, something powerful happens. Trust grows. Insight deepens. Solutions become more individualized. And equity moves from theory into practice.

Behavior Is Not a Character Flaw

In Calm and in Control, Julie Tourigny reminds us that self-regulation is not something children are born with. It develops over time and through co-regulation with responsive adults (p. 5–9). Many behaviors that cause concern in early childhood classrooms, such as difficulty waiting, impulsive grabbing, loud emotional outbursts, all reflect emerging self-regulation skills, rather than defiance or disrespect.

Similarly, in Thinking Outside the Prize Box, Adam Holland challenges educators to reconsider traditional behavior management approaches, and instead examine the underlying needs driving behavior (p. 23–25;35–36). When we shift from “How do we stop this?” to “What is this telling us?” we begin to see behavior through a developmental lens.

That mindset matters enormously when talking with families.

If educators approach a conference assuming a child is“misbehaving,” the tone of the conversation changes. If they approach it assuming the child is communicating something important, the tone shifts toward curiosity and partnership.

Start With Strengths

In Partnering for Success, Tricia Shelton emphasizes that effective family conferences are built on preparation, clarity, and a strengths-based approach (p. 17–22, 99–107). When discussing behavior, beginning with what the child does well is not a courtesy. It is essential groundwork for trust. Families need to know that educators see the whole child.

A conversation might begin:

“Your child is incredibly curious during small-group activities.”
“We’ve noticed how caring she is with younger classmates.”
“He has a strong sense of humor and brings energy to our classroom.”

Only after establishing shared appreciation does the educator transition into areas of concern.

This approach communicates respect. It signals that the educator is not defining the child by one behavior. It reinforces that everyone in the room is on the same team.

Describe, Don’t Diagnose

One of the most common pitfalls in behavior conversations is using labels instead of observations. Words like “aggressive,” “defiant,” or“lazy” can feel accusatory and shut down collaboration.

Developing and Implementing Effective Discipline Policies underscores the importance of clear, consistent expectations and the careful use of objective documentation (p. 75, 68). Rather than labeling, educators can describe specific patterns:

“During transitions from center time to cleanup, your child has difficulty shifting and often cries or throws materials.”
“When another child says no, she sometimes responds by hitting or pushing.”
Descriptive language invites problem-solving. Labels invite defensiveness.

This distinction also aligns with equity. In Elevating Equity, Angela Searcy urges educators to examine how implicit bias can influence perceptions of behavior, particularly for Black children and children from historically marginalized communities. Research shows that certain behaviors are interpreted differently depending on the child’s race, gender, or disability status (p. 25–27). Grounding conversations in observable data helps lessen those biases and protects children from being unfairly categorized and judged.

Consider Development and Neurodiversity

Some behavior concerns may reflect differences in executive function, attention, or sensory processing.

In Organized and Engaged, Tourigny explains that executive-function skills, such as working memory, inhibitory control, and attentional flexibility, develop gradually and vary widely among young children (p.27–33). A child who forgets multi-step directions or abandons a project midway may not be careless; they may be struggling with working memory.

Likewise, Alert and Attentive describes how attention skills improve significantly between ages three and five and are influenced by environment and regulation (p. 12–18). A child who seems distracted during circle time may be overwhelmed by sensory input rather than intentionally disengaged.

When educators bring this developmental lens into family conversations, they move away from blame and toward shared understanding. They can say:

“We’re noticing that transitions are especially hard. That can sometimes be connected to executive-function development at this age.”
“We’re wondering if certain sensory inputs might be overwhelming during group time.”
This language communicates professional knowledge without pathologizing the child.

Invite Family Expertise

Families are experts on their children. They see pattern educators cannot see. They understand sleep routines, sibling dynamics, cultural expectations, and life stressors that influence behavior.

At the same time, educators see dozens or hundreds of children across their careers, which gives them a perspective that families lack.

School-to-Home Connections emphasizes that authentic partnership requires two-way communication, not simply reporting (p. 5–14). When discussing behavior, educators can ask:

“Do you notice similar patterns at home?”
“What strategies have worked for you?”
“Has anything changed recently that might be affecting your child?”

This approach is especially important when working with families of children with disabilities. In Every Child Can Fly, Jani Kozlowski reminds educators that inclusion depends on honoring family voice and maintaining high expectations, while providing appropriate supports (p. 9–12). Behavior conversations should never imply lowered expectations. Instead, they should center collaboration: What does this child need in order to succeed?

Keep the Child at the Center

It can be easy for behavior conversations to become adult-centered; focused on classroom disruption, stress, or frustration. While those realities matter, the primary question should always be: What will help this child thrive?

In How Can I Help?, Ginger Welch underscores the importance of emotional safety and co-regulation during difficult moments. Children need adults who are steady enough to hold big feelings without escalating them (p. 15–22). The same principle applies to family conversations. Educators must be psychologically “big enough” to hold family emotions, like fear, embarrassment, and frustration, without becoming defensive.

When both educators and families take ego out of the equation, real collaboration becomes possible.

From Report to Partnership

Ultimately, the goal is not to “report” behavior. It is to build partnership around it.

That means:

• Sharing patterns early, before frustration builds.
• Documenting observations.
• Brainstorming strategies together.
• Following up consistently.
• Celebrating progress, even when small.

It also means recognizing that behavior improvement is rarely linear. Young children are still developing regulation, attention, and executive function. Growth takes time, modeling, and aligned adult support.

When educators and families approach behavior concerns with humility, clarity, and mutual respect, those difficult conversations become opportunities. They strengthen relationships. They reduce bias. They promote inclusion. And most importantly, they ensure that every child is surrounded by adults working together on their behalf.

In early childhood education, equity is practiced in these moments. Not in abstract policy statements, but in how we speak about children, how we listen to families, and how we respond when behavior feels challenging.

When behavior concerns become family conversations grounded in trust, children do not carry the burden alone. They are scaffolded by a team of adults who care for them.