Who Do We Assume Families Are?

Early childhood programs talk a lot about family engagement, and for good reasons. Young children do not arrive at school as individuals disconnected from the people who love and care for them. They bring their families with them in their stories, languages, worries, joys, and sense of belonging.

But even well-intentioned programs can send subtle messages about which caregivers are expected to show up. A form that asks only for “Mother” and “Father.” A classroom event called “Muffins with Mom.” A teacher who automatically calls a mother first, even when a father, grandparents, foster parent, or guardian is the primary caregiver.

Likely, these actions are not meant to intentionally exclude anyone. But young children and their families notice who is named, pictured, invited, and treated as central to a child’s school life.

Rethinking “parent involvement” in early childhood requires us to ask: Who are the important adults in this child’s life, and how can we make sure they feel welcomed, respected, and included?

Family Engagement Is Not One-Size-Fits-All

Families do not all look the same. Some have two moms or two dads, or only one parent. Some are raised by grandparents, aunts, uncles, foster parents, or guardians. Some have a parent who is incarcerated, deployed, or working nights. Some families speak multiple languages. Some families are navigating disability services, housing instability, or other major transitions.

In Partnering for Success: Strategies for Effective Parent-Teacher Conferences, Tricia Shelton reminds educators that successful children often have support networks made up of extended family members, guardians, and community members. In other words, “family” is not always limited to biological parents or one household. It includes all caring adults who participate in a child’s education, decision-making, and daily support.

This matters because family engagement is not just about getting adults to attend events. It is about building trust. It is about helping children see that the people who love them are valued in the classroom community. It is about creating strong, respectful partnerships between educators and families, so children feel more secure, connected, and ready to learn.

The Assumptions Hidden in Everyday Language

Language is one of the simplest places to start.

Many programs still use “parents” as shorthand for all family members, and in some settings that may feel natural. But “parents” does not always capture who is actually caring for a child.

Small language shifts can make a big difference. “Caregivers” or “grown-ups at home” can replace “moms and dads” or “parents.” Forms can ask for “family member name” and “relationship to child” instead of fixed parent categories.

These changes communicate something powerful: We are not assuming who you are. We are making room for you to tell us.

Rethinking “Mom and Me” Events

Family events are another place where assumptions can sneak in.

Many beloved school traditions were built around a mother/father model: “Donuts with Dad,” or “Muffins with Mom.” But when events are designed around one specific caregiving structure, some children may feel left out or anxious.

A child whose father is not involved may dread “Donuts with Dad.” A child with two moms may wonder what to make for a Father’s Day craft. A child raised by a grandmother may feel as if their daily caregiver does not count. A child with a transgender or nonbinary parent may not know whether the invitation includes their family.

In Engaging Fathers: Strategies for Inclusive Family Partnerships in Early Childhood, Jawan Burwell describes an example in which “Mommy and Me” photos, “Dear Moms” communications, and a mothers’ group chat left a father feeling like “just the driver.” The lesson is clear: even friendly traditions can quietly signal who belongs and who is secondary.

Programs can preserve the spirit of these events while making them more inclusive. Instead of “Mom and Me,” try “Family Breakfast,” “Special Grown-Up Day,” or “Caregiver Coffee Hour.”

The goal is not to erase mothers or fathers. The goal is to make sure every child has a way to participate with dignity and joy.

Fathers and Male Caregivers Need More Than an Invitation

Many early childhood programs want fathers to be involved, but their systems still send the message that mothers are the default.

Burwell argues in Engaging Fathers that fathers are often treated as peripheral figures in early childhood education, even though research shows their involvement strengthens children’s academic, social, and emotional development. He challenges educators to redesign systems, language, and expectations, so fathers are fully welcomed into classroom life, not merely invited for special events.

Educators can intentionally welcome male caregivers by learning their names, greeting them at drop-off, sending communication to all listed caregivers, inviting them to share skills or stories, and making sure classroom materials show men nurturing, reading, cooking, comforting, and participating in school life.

LGBTQIA+ Families Should Not Have to Explain Their Existence

Pride Month offers an important reminder that inclusion is not just about how programs respond when a family identifies itself as LGBTQIA+. It is about whether the classroom already communicates that LGBTQIA+ families are welcome.

A family with two moms should not have to ask whether both mothers can be included on a form. A child with two dads should not have to explain why they made two Father’s Day cards. A child with a transgender parent should not have to wonder whether their family will be treated as unusual.

In Guidance for Supporting Gender Diversity in Early Childhood Education, Jenny Fererro and Rebecca Bishop write about the need for early childhood programs to create supportive and affirming environments for all students. Their work reminds educators that gender diversity and LGBTQIA+ inclusion are part of the everyday reality of early childhood classrooms and families.

Inclusive practice begins before a specific need arises. It means choosing books with many kinds of families. It means using language that does not assume every child has one mom and one dad. It means avoiding gendered assumptions about toys, clothing, interests, caregiving, and family roles. It means teaching children, through everyday practice, that families can be different and still be whole, loving, and worthy of respect.

Ask Before You Assume

Inclusive family engagement is not about memorizing every possible family structure. It is about building habits of curiosity and respect.

Shelton’s Partnering for Success encourages educators to approach families with cultural humility, recognizing that teachers cannot “master” every family’s experience from the outside. Instead, educators build stronger relationships when they learn from families, share power with families, and remain open to perspectives beyond their own assumptions.

• Instead of assuming who handles school communication, ask: “Who should receive classroom updates?”
• Instead of assuming who lives at home, ask: “Who are the important people in your child’s daily life?”
• Instead of assuming what a family celebrates, ask: “Are there holidays, traditions, or routines that are important to your family?”

These questions help teachers learn from families instead of fitting them into preexisting categories.

Inclusion Is Built in the Details

Rethinking family involvement does not require a complete overhaul overnight. It begins with everyday choices.

• Revise forms so families can name caregivers and relationships in their own words.

• Send communication to all appropriate caregivers, not just the person you assume is “in charge.”

• Replace gendered family events with inclusive gatherings that allow every child to bring a loved one.

• Include books and visuals that reflect many family structures and caregiving roles.

• Learn and use caregivers’ names and pronouns correctly.

• Offer flexible ways to participate, including phone calls, video conferences, translated materials, take-home activities, and informal conversations.

Together, Engaging Fathers, Guidance for Supporting Gender Diversity in Early Childhood Education, and Partnering for Success point toward a shared idea: strong family partnerships are built through intentional planning, inclusive language, open communication, flexibility, and respect for each family’s knowledge and needs.